I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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