Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
