We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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