I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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