My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
