I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
