I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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