In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
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