can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
