I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm sobbing to NWA
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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