I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
