Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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