I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
