We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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