Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
