Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
