I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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