no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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