My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
