someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
