Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
