I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
