Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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