so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
