I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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