For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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