She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
