I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your cock deserves a montage
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
