So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
