Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
