Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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