And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
