I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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