She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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