i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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