I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
