Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
