just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
