i think my mom watched the whole time
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
