You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
