If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
