OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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