We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
