I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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