The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
