Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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