apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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