just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There r osticjed everywhere
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
