she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
