Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
